Chasing the horizon

recent reflections and a poem...

I’m not exactly sure how to start this one. It’s been a while and there is truly no shortage of things to talk about… perhaps I shouldn’t even be talking about myself when the world feels like it’s on fire.

But I think it’s in these times that it becomes most important to look inward and think about your own people, your own community, your own responsibilities, and your personal accountability. Everything starts with the self and an individual choice. At least, that’s my philosophy.

Since taking a massive leap of faith and moving to LA a little over a year ago, I’ve been thinking about what I wish my future to look like. And meditating on what I am doing with my life right now, and how that will be consequential to the results later down the line.

I just turned 27, and I don’t know how good I feel about my past two years of decisions. I really don’t. But if I don’t feel good, even if the situations I’ve faced are unfair, unjust, or undeserved, I have to be accountable for myself. I can’t expect anyone else to look out for me.

I take the philosophy of personal responsibility very seriously. In a previous post, I mentioned that as a child I used to have a horrible temper, struggled to keep friends, was terrified of public speaking, and was average in school. But now, I’m known for being level-headed, having a wonderful community, being able to command a room if needed (though not preferred), and was academically very successful in college. Most people who know me today would maybe have a hard time really understanding the 180 I made in life. Typing it so simply doesn’t do the painful journey any justice. I went through years, and more importantly, second by second self-scrutinizing to change the course of my life and nature to finally be a person I am now unapologetically proud of.

I’m definitely not perfect, but I am proud of who I am. I like who I am and my trajectory to keep growing.

If I am happy, or unhappy today—it’s on me. I could easily point a finger and throw blame; I really want to, and there are definitely people to blame… But I don’t wish to believe I’m so helpless, or dependent.

I still foolishly hope that how I treat others sets an example of how I also wish to be treated. Maybe that’s why I often get taken for granted or taken advantage of, simply because I know that within everyone there is an incredible capacity to change—of course, only if someone takes the initiative and actually wants it. It’s baked into my value system to give others that opportunity that I wish I had as a child. So no matter how stupid, I will always hope for the best of others. But now perhaps, be better at protecting my peace in the process.

I wrote a poem a few days ago that wraps up how I’ve been feeling lately. Hopefully resonates with you.

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Resistance

I stepped into the salty waters
despite the scratches etched into my flesh
and accepted the burning that comes with any quest.

I broke all the rules when I aimed to conqure the thorny green
wore the bruises from their nazar like trophies
doing what they could only dream.

I want the horizon
to wear God's melted gold 
and twist in the currents of colors so holy.

I swim towards a belief.

They told me I'd drown. 
They told me I was too weak.
They told me I didn't know anything.

Alone, there is sometimes no choice but to keep moving 
to seek a fresh path with faith of what's known
nibbling off hope alone on the quietest of nights.

There is no antidote to heal
no time to do things "right"
no luxury for shame.

There is only freedom in chasing that horizon